Happy Monday, folks! Okay, I know Mondays don’t rank high in
everyone’s favorite day, but any marker that signals the start of
something is all right in my book. Maybe it’s my obsession with beginnings and
endings. Anyway, I hope you had a great weekend. I saw Invisible Man yesterday
night at the Huntington Theatre with my friends and it was more spectacular
than I expected. Be careful out there with the flu outbreak if you live in the
U.S. Virtual hugs if you are sick! :)
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| Couldn't resist. I want a Kitty now! |
SO, in the midst of my personal devotion today, I took some
time apart for meditation. I focused on breathing and the three principles of
love, kindness, and compassion. My meditation has no complex formula. It just
is. My thoughts meandered about while I tried to refocus them back on the circular path of breathing and the three chosen principles. I filled my lungs to
full capacity, deflated them of all air, and filled them again, deflated and
back again. In the next second, I reached farther into myself because anxiety
had been an issue lately and I wanted to address it before the day ended. What
happened next surprised me.
A flurry of thoughts burst through one after the other like
an onslaught of black arrows that rained from an unseen enemy: “I want to be
successful now. I want to help my family financially now. I want to be
financially independent now. I want my own place now. I want a cool apartment
now. I want to be published now. I want to hold my book in my hands now. I want to enjoy time with my friends in
New York now. I want to be in Japan now. I want an acceptance letter to a
school in California now. I want all these things now. Now. Now. Now! I want
them now!”
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| Help. |
My eyes opened and I exhaled. Okaaaaay. Apparently I wasn’t
aware of the two-year-old living deep inside the recesses of my mind. And what
an annoying two-year-old she is. With a rise of embarrassment, I pinpointed the
source of my anxiety. You know how people tell you to forget your past or how
not to let your past control your present and determine your future? Well, my
problem was that I let the future intrude on the peace and sanity of my present.
I wanted the future I desired now and my refusal of the present brought
irritability and pain. I fell back to an old habit of ascribing value to my
life through a negative mind frame: my life is valuable if I have these future things
now. False.
When I resumed meditation, I told myself that this present
moment mattered the most and I already had everything I needed right now: the
breath that gave me life, my mind, food for my physical body, shelter, good
friends here in Boston, my family’s health, a teaching gig ready to start
in a few weeks, memories of an unforgettable experience in Korea, and so on
and so on.
When the future happens and I have those things I wanted
today, I will say same thing: I already have everything I need right now.
How about you? Ever have “future” problems? How did you deal
with it? Would love to hear your responses!
Thanks for reading,
CSS :)
