Adolescence 2.0 The Eyes of Dusk

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"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live." ~ Dorothy Thompson

Jean flashed a confident grin to the full-length mirror in her room and fixed the collar of her maroon blouse while music from La Roux played on her computer. She brushed away the stray hairs in front of her face to follow the path of her bangs that she parted to the left. Her brown eyes lit up with the application of black liquid eyeliner and a light kiss of golden eye shadow. She finished her look with a creamy nude lipstick and smoothed out her black slacks. Despite having to cover an assignment on a Sunday night, an upbeat rhythm guided her steps.

Trinity had invited her to dinner over the phone. Dinner! She expected a simple lunch at a café somewhere, not a full-blown meal at a Pakistani restaurant in Brighton Wednesday night. Was this a date? Wait, what? No way. Of course not. Jean laughed at her reflection. We’re just two acquaintances about to know each better so we can become friends, yes? She wanted friendship; maybe even a new roommate so she could live someplace more decent, but it was wishful thinking to believe Trinity needed a roommate too. And would she be comfortable sharing an apartment with a gay woman?

She bit her inner check, ashamed by the thought. It shouldn’t matter of course, so why did the awful question pop up in her mind? Culture and upbringing, she answered even if it was a poor excuse. Her eyes jumped to her loose, silver watch bracelet. Time to go! She picked up three silver rings from her makeshift jewelry box and put two on her right thumb and one on her forefinger. Jean grabbed her midnight blue pea coat in lieu of her favorite leather jacket. She slipped on her business flats, grabbed her bag from the hook, and bolted for the subway. Calculating the commute time in her head, she frustratingly accepted that she might arrive fifteen minutes late to the benefit. Why did time hate her so much?

via flicker.com/briburt

Jean reached the entrance of the banquet hall twenty minutes after seven. In the lobby, she approached a young woman who sat behind a table covered with flyers, the ceremony’s programs, and a myriad of inserts full of information about domestic violence, prevention, and support services. The plastic nametag dangling from her neck read Amanda typed in big block letters.

            “Hi Amanda, I’m Jean Noble,” she said and extended her hand. “I’m here on behalf of Utopia Magazine. I’m actually covering for Claire Reyes…”

            “Let’s see, I do remember seeing her name,” Amanda said as she looked through a box with plastic nametags. “I wondered whether she was coming at all. Here we are!” The young woman smiled and gave Jean the tag intended for Claire.

            “Um, do you have a sharpie I can use to write my name in?”

            Amanda shook her head. “I’m sorry. We prepare all of these before hand.”

            Obviously. Jean took out the piece of paper with Claire’s name and turned it over. She used her own pen to write in her name as dark as possible. Unfortunately she started out in cursive and ended in print. She sighed and wrote Utopia Magazine underneath. It was far from professional but it would have to do. She inserted the paper back into its plastic pocket.

            “What a shame. Your tag won’t have our logo on it,” Amanda piped.

            “Yes, darn shame.” Jean prepared to enter the hall, but the young woman stopped her.

            “Oh wait. Wouldn’t you like to donate to the domestic violence shelters in the greater Boston area? We would appreciate it very much.”

            Jean swallowed the negative answer that swelled in her throat. The month ended in two days and she needed whatever little she had to purchase a bus pass for the next month.

            “Uh, sure!” She reached into her bag and scrounged for her pocketbook. Inside sat a lonely, but hefty twenty-dollar bill. She had her ATM, but doubted a debit card would work here. And her checkbook was forgotten and tucked between books back at her apartment. She stared at the bill and all the magical powers it held: a seven-day subway pass; four lunch meals; more purchases of apples; paying her dinner at the Pakistani restaurant on Wednesday...

            “Is everything okay?” Amanda asked.

            Jean raised an eyebrow at the impatience. “Why would anything not be okay? Here you are.” She bit her tongue to stop any acid from leaking out and put the twenty on the table. This donation would serve as her church offering for the week.

            “Thank you very much. We appreciate your donation.”

            “Yes, you’re welcome.” She grabbed a program and several other reading materials and entered the banquet hall, notepad and pen already at hand. Luckily, the introduction of the night’s keynote speaker had not ended. She found a seat in a table at the back and listened intently as she put together a story from the night.

Many in-depth interviews and friendly chats later, Jean retired to a chair as people slowly filed out of the hall. Overall, it was a successful night and she met several high impact people and friendly college and grad students who in were attendance as well. She gave away all her business cards that had taken shelter in her bag. Surely one of them needed a roommate, right? She half-smiled at her desperation. Anyway, their bright faces and passion brought back nostalgia of her media study days at NYU. The combination of living in Harlem and commuting downtown for school gave her two years of experiences she would forever cherish.

            A beautiful woman arguing with a man at the corner of an emergency exit intruded her act of remembering. Jean piqued her ears even though she knew it was wrong to eavesdrop, but as a writer, she was always on the hunt for new material.

            “You’re sick, you know that. You waited until now to tell me this? Why now? Tell me,” the woman said. She wore a form fitting, sea green sleeveless dress that stopped several inches below her knees and were accompanied by black pumps. Light brown, curly hair spilled below her shoulders. The blues eyes set against her smooth brown skin intrigued Jean. Were those contacts lenses or authentic?

via weheartit.com

            “It just had to happen now. I’m sorry, Charity,” said a gorgeous dark skinned man in an expensive black suit.  “I really am, but tonight I finally reached my limit.”

            Wow, these two look like a power couple, Jean thought. She almost wished she could snap a picture of them. Too bad it appeared that they were breaking up.

            “Get out of my face. Now, before I…” Charity pushed both palms against the air. “Go. We’ll talk about this later.”

            “There won’t be a later. This is it,” the man said.

            “Say what you want, but it’s not over until I say it’s over. Now, please, just get out of my face.”       

            The man shook his head and walked away in resignation.

            Charity pressed her fingers underneath her eyes and breathed deeply. She turned her eyes at Jean.

            Jean almost fell off her chair from the sheer anger and hate sent toward her direction. This woman’s aura was powerful! She marched toward Jean.

            “I saw you staring. Do you usually do that? Sit and listen to people’s conversations while watching them like some damn movie? Did you find that entertaining?” Her blue eyes widened after each question.

Jean searched for the faint lines of contact lenses. They were none she could see. Those really were her eyes. Interesting.

            “I’m Jean.” She offered her hand, but the woman did not accept it, so she retrieved her hanging fingers. “I’m sorry about listening in on your private conversation. That was rude. But let me make it up to you. Want to talk about what just happened?”

            Charity crossed her arms across her chest and scoffed. “You have got to be kidding me? Who the hell do you think you are?”

            “Just a concerned stranger who wants to help.”

            “You can help by minding your own business next time. Some people.” She shook her head and turned for the opposite direction.

            “Charity.”

            “I didn’t give you my name, so do not use it,” she said, spitting ice cubes.

            “I’m sorry. Look, why don’t I give you…” Jean remembered that she had no more business cards as she looked through her bag. Damn. Well, this was painfully awkward. What should she say next? Reason said to let Charity be on her way, but instinct didn’t want to let go.  “Listen, I’m very sorry. I had a really long night and was just resting before taking the commute back home. You two were talking and looked so gorgeous together that I stared like some five-year old without manners. I truly apologize and meant no harm.”

            Charity finally relaxed her tense shoulders and sighed. “Apology accepted. We were pretty loud so I don’t blame you too much,” she said. “I’ve been having a pretty rough week myself so I’m sorry if I came off as too abrasive.” She held out her hand and Jean accepted it with her signature, soul-snatching smile.

            “No, not at all. Anyway, without coming off as very strange, do you mind if I have your contact info? I’ve run out of business cards to offer.”

            “Here, you can have one of mine.” Charity took the green feathery clutch from underneath her right arm and opened it to unearth a card, which she offered.

            Jean glanced at the card in her hand and learned that Charity was a resident physician in the field of child psychiatry. Pretty amazing.

            “I treat childhood trauma and maltreatment,” she said. “Thus why I’m here. Well, Jean, although we didn’t meet under the best circumstances, I hope you have a good night. I really should be going now.”

            “Of course. Thanks. Have a good night, too!”

            Charity nodded and walked away.

            Jean realized she and the janitor were the only two people left in the hall.

            “Good night,” she told him with a wave.

            He smiled and waved too. “Good night.”

To be continued….

Adolescence 2.0 © 2012 C.S. Severe All Rights Reserved

Adolescence 2.0 The Broken Puzzle

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"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." 

~ Oscar Wilde

Jean.

Jean’s feet gripped the floor of the car and her knees bent occasionally as the train rumbled from stop to stop. The rest of the passengers held onto the railings and bars above. The one space available to grab required she perform some unnatural arm bend. Never in the mood to touch four strangers at the same time or look like some strange yoga acrobat, she kept her hands in her black leather jacket’s pockets. Subway experience taught her the delicate art of balancing one’s body while in fast and jerky motion.

A popular hip-hop hit exploded from a commuter’s Beats headphones and someone attempted to cough out a lung, heart, and then some. Hopefully, the germs planned to stay away from here. Aside from that, no one talked.  The silence made Jean more aware of the conversation she planned to strike up with Blue Bird. Everyone would pretend not to listen, but an audience served only to raise her excitement and nervousness—feelings she fed on for power. 

            “Why are you wearing a shirt from an ex? That is, if you don’t mind me asking,” she said.

            Blue Bird chuckled. “You know I asked myself the same question today, and I still have no answer.  I’m Trinity by the way.” She held out a hand, which Jean gladly accepted.

The woman had a firm, confident handshake. Good sign. Her skin felt smooth too, and Jean held on a second longer before the release.

            “Jean.” She gestured at the shirt. “That’s um that old model, right? Twiggy I think her name was…”

            Trinity nodded. “Yeah. My ex and I were big fans of her, and uh she surprised me with this shirt. Valerie’s an artist and teaches art to middle school children.” Blue Bird’s brown eyes softened as if she remembered a good memory.

Twiggy

            Jean didn’t blink. She had suspected from her appearance that Trinity was probably queer. “Valerie sounds like a pretty awesome person.”

            “Yes…she is.”

Whoever this ex was, Blue Bird clearly still had strong feelings for her.

            The train slowed to a halt a third time, and a third time Jean’s heart sank in fear that her new acquaintance would leave. It was her least favorite part of people collecting in the subway. However, she had a method of never wasting an opportunity. 

            “I’m sorry, but this is my stop. It was really nice chatting with you. I can feel you’re a good spirit.”

            “Blue Bird, wait!” Jean bit her tongue and heat rushed to her face. The nickname slipped out of her mouth without consent.

            Thankfully, Trinity only grinned wider. “Blue Bird?”

            Jean eyed the woman’s tattoo.

            “Ah, yes. Keep forgetting I have this thing.”

            “I’m sorry. I hope you don’t mind.”

            Trinity shook her head. “No, it’s okay. Actually I think it’s kinda cute.”

            “Okay, thanks for not being weirded out. Please take this.” Jean gave her business card.  “Maybe we can talk again or catch coffee together or something. Anyway, it was nice talking to you too. Thanks.”

            “Ah, okay. Thanks?” Trinity laughed, made the card disappear in her blazer, and walked out the train to her destination with smooth confidence in each step.

            Jean sighed and hoped Blue Bird would call and not chuck her card in the nearest trashcan. She usually caught people in her aura, but this time Trinity’s strong, positive vibes wrapped around her and made her feel safe and calm, a feeling she wanted to last longer.

By the time she made it to Copley station, her shopping mate called to cancel their meeting.

“Claire, I’m so sorry. I forgot how atrocious the Green Line was.”

“It’s okay. We can meet up next time. See you in the office tomorrow.”

“Yeah. See ya later.” Jean ended the call and sighed. Another lonely Sunday afternoon waited for her. Now, she had to take the Green Line again to return home. She groaned and decided to treat herself to a big fatty donut before the commute back home.

            Jean walked into the elevator of her building and held her breath as usual in a battle against the stench of aged urine and greasy Chinese food that assaulted her nostrils. Stairs were out of the question. She lived on the twelfth floor of a housing project close to Boston Medical Center, and any attempt to climb stairs would require an oxygen tank strapped to her waist. 
            Getting back into shape remained stuck on her list of goals to accomplish this month. And she could not blame it on the lack of money to pay for a gym subscription. YouTube provided tons of exercise videos that she could do in her small living room, but her heart was not into it. Oddly enough, her small frame and adherence to a vegetarian diet were her biggest obstacles to exercise. She liked what she saw in the mirror and praised her ability to fit into size four skinny jeans. She just had to convince herself that exercise was not mainly for weight loss, but for healthy living.  

            Yeah, yeah, Jean thought and rolled her eyes. I’ll do it when I want to. The elevator rang at her floor and she rushed out with a deep exhale. She fumbled through her bag for her keys and cursed when they refused to reveal themselves. She made another of countless, yet unheeded mental notes to put them someplace more accessible. They finally turned up. With a frustrated sigh, she let herself into the tiny one bedroom apartment. When she closed the door behind her, Jean stood for a minute and looked around.

It was a neat but bare space with an easy chair for the living room that she bought at a thrift store; no television because she watched what little shows she enjoyed on her laptop; and a folding table and chair to eat dinner and do her writing and work. Her bedroom was no better. She had a mattress with an iron bedframe that she also snagged from the thrift, and big storage boxes held her clothes and undergarments instead of a dresser. Books lined and were stacked on the floors of her bedroom and living room. Everything else went into the closet, along with the two large suitcases she left home with.

Boston Medical Center

She hung her back on the hook in the wall and went into the kitchen to get a drink. Her fridge showed off four boxes of extra firm tofu, half a gallon of almond milk, three tomatoes, two oranges, and five apples. She had to have her apples. She took a bottle of Perrier sparkling water and lay on the easy chair. Her eyes spotted the calendar she put up on the wall across from the chair and she nearly choked on her water. Two weeks!

“Two weeks!” she said again to no one. Her heart rapped against her chest and she put the bottle down on the floor to massage her temples. Her least favorite curse word tumbled out of her mouth for a good minute before she finally collected herself and stopped.

Her parents were coming in two weeks. Her parents who thought she lived with a nice roommate in a nice, safe neighborhood with a solid publishing job that included great health benefits when in fact she had no roommate, lived in a relatively unpleasant area, and had three jobs, one of them freelance, with no benefits. Thankfully she applied for Massachusetts’s health insurance and was approved for the state’s insurance. 
           The truth of her reality, however, poked her sides with guilt for spewing the well knitted lies to her Mother and Father just so she could convince them to let her leave Hartford and make it on her own. She never told them her real dreams were to become a successful writer, blogger, and eventually a media mogul with her own media company because that proved too outrageous and unrealistic for them. If they came here and saw how she really lived, they would ignite a storm, drag her butt back to their house in Connecticut, and connect with her some of their friends to get her a real job, which meant sitting in an office, being miserable, and devoid of all creativity. In other words, death.

            No, that reality must not come true. She jumped out of her seat and opened her MacBook to check her email, but knew she nothing of value would show up because she already checked it five times on her Android. Her endless queries for roommates on Craigslist turned up with such unreliable characters or rent payments she couldn’t afford that she gave up for a while and let time slip through her fingers like liquid. Exhaustion and frustration sat on each shoulder and she slammed her forehead against the black folding table and moaned.

            For once, she wished someone would collect her.

            Jean's cell phone sung what she considered the most dramatic segment of Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake Act II: Scene. She checked the I.D., Mr. Firebreather, and sighed. Why the hell was work calling? It’s Sunday! Leave me alone!  

            “Hello, David.”

            “Jean, hi. I was wondering if you could cover the SVAWomen’s Benefit tonight at Cambridge? You know the one. We talked about it on Friday’s meeting. It’s supposed to start at seven. Claire said she couldn’t make it. Sick with a bad cold.”

            Jean blinked repeatedly at her editor’s revelation. “Wait. Claire is sick?” Was this girl for real? 

            “Yes, can you make it tonight? I know it’s last minute, but it’s important we cover this. I’ve already told Claire to send you her interview questions and notes. No one else can do it, Jean.”

            Er, so I was your last choice, which you also already made for me. She sighed. “Yeah, sure. I can cover for her.” Her motivation right now was solely money.

            “Thanks! You’re a doll. See you tomorrow.” Click.  

            She cringed. There he went again with that doll reference. Jean stole a glance at the clock. She had less than three hours to get ready. And the benefit was in Cambridge. How did she manage to spend the whole day in the subway today?

            Thirty minutes before Jean made herself ready to leave, her phone rang again. What now? Did Claire remember she wasn’t sick and changed her mind? Her phone’s screen, however, displayed an unknown number. Always excited to talk to strangers, she slid the bar to talk and hoped it wasn’t another telemarketer.

            “Hello, this is Jean.”  

            “Hey, Jean. It’s Trinity.”

            “Blue Bird! Hey!”

            Trinity laughed. “You sound very excited.”

            “You have no idea,” Jean said and sat down with the widest grin she could muster. 

To be continued...

Adolescence 2.0 © 2013 C.S. Severe All Rights Reserved.

Adolescence 2.0: The Heartful and Heartless

Click HERE for previous installment. 

Love involves a peculiar unfathomable combination of understanding and misunderstanding.

~Diane Arbus

"I'm sorry..."

              Trinity Itou planned events with style, ease, confidence, and 100% satisfaction guaranteed, little questions asked. She performed a miracle whether the budget called for $500 or $5000. The clients always gushed about the superior work completed by her and her team of college friends that she put together three years ago. Work at Trinity Events was great, profits had increased a bit, and she recently hired a new member for the team, so why couldn’t she make something simple as a relationship work?

            She sighed. Her eyes bounced from the Mac’s screen in front of her to the outside of the café. Harvard Square bustled with its usual culprits of the young and the bright-eyed, along with the occasional sprinkle of the musician or artist. She checked her men’s size Omega watch, and sighed again. That person was late. That person. Had she already made up her mind to break it off? Again. How many times would they dance this number? Break up. Miss each other. Get together. Get on each other’s nerves. Break up. Repeat. It exhausted Trinity and this time she wanted it over forever, but each break up reminded her how hard it was to give up eight years of memories, most of them good, some painful, and a few unforgettable. 

            Suddenly the café turned stuffy, and she slid out of her bright blue blazer and put it behind her chair. She aired her oversized Black T-shirt with Twiggy’s face in white and tried hard to ignore the fact that it was a cherished gift from her soon-to-be ex. Why the hell had she put it on?  

It struck that she hadn’t ordered anything for…that person. She reached for her wallet, but stopped with a hand halfway down the back pocket of her black skinny jeans. Why should she order the same medium coffee with double shots of espresso and regular soymilk as she always did? It would send the wrong message that everything was okay, normal when it wasn’t at all. Or would it? No, she wasn’t one for being mean. She left her seat and put the order in with an eye on her Mac.

             As she waited, her soon-to-be ex walked into the café. A mixture of joy, pain, and tiredness spread all over Trinity, and she pushed a smile out her lips. Valerie walked over and gave her a tight hug. She let go before Trinity could kiss her on the cheek as always.

“Is that mine?” Valerie asked and pointed at the coffee mug sitting alone on the counter.

The aroma of freshly brewed coffee made Trinity want another one. “Yeah.”

            When they settled in their seats, she shut her laptop and put it back into her black leather satchel. She let her eyes wander over Valerie’s smooth light brown skin, hazel eyes, and long, curly hair that she lost her fingers in so many times. Her girlfriend’s lips were set in a straight line. She wore a black leather jacket on top of a low v-shirt. Her collarbone poked out with such boldness it made Trinity worry about whether Valerie attempted to lose weight again when it was not at all necessary. 

            Valerie lifted her mug with both hands and took a sip of her coffee. “So what’s up? You said you wanted to talk. I’m here. So, let’s talk.”

            “No need to sound angry already,” Trinity said and cursed inwardly when she found her mug empty of coffee. She should have at least ordered a bag of dried apricots or something to keep her hands occupied for what she predicted would be another testy conversation.

            “You’re right. I am angry. Because I know where this is going. I’d rather be at home, correcting papers.”

They stopped living together after their third break-up because they finally retired the dream that they would commit to each other. And yet, while Trinity dated other people during their break-ups, Valerie did not as if she knew they would eventually return to each other’s arms. 

            “I’m so sorry I’m making you angry.”

            “No, don’t say that.” Valerie shook her head and curled her lips in a way that shrouded her beauty, but commanded attention. “Say ‘sorry’ one more time and I swear I will throw this coffee out the window.”

            “That’s six dollars. And let’s not forget the cost of repairing that window. I’m not rich, ya know,” Trinity said in a weak attempt at a joke. She even threw in a genuine smile.

Valerie wasn’t biting. In fact, it had the opposite effect on her. She closed her hands into fists over the table and opened them again. She always did that before she landed a blow.

“That’s it. I know what you want, Trin. And you can have it because you know what? I want it too. I’m tired too. I get it. We’re done. For good this time.”

Doubtful, Trinity traced the outline of her jaw with her thumb. “Yes, we should be done, but it’s not that easy. We say we’re done and then, poof! We’re back together again.”

“Not this time. Let me save us some time. Good-bye. Thanks for the coffee.” She rose up to go, but Trinity caught her small hand.

The touch spiked her heartbeat and aroused memories. And like instinct, Trinity rubbed the back of Valerie’s hand in a circular motion.  “Please, sit down and listen. ”

Valerie sat down and slowly retrieved her hand. She folded her arms across her chest and let her gaze wander out the window. The sunlight just had to kiss half her face and illuminate one eye, turning it into a small round whisky quartz.

“We need to stop doing this.”

“I know that already.”

“Please, let me finish.”

“Okay, go on.”

Now that she had Valerie’s attention, the words she had carefully put together last night in her head escaped her. She took a deep breath and hated the ache that gnawed at her stomach. Please don’t let me screw this up.

“Valerie, I feel that you continue to hold on to me because I’m the only girlfriend you’ve ever had. And you’re afraid to let go, but you have to. I also don’t think it’s fair to me that you’re still not open to your family and friends. That dinner last week with your family was—I’m so sorry to say—one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life. I hated that I had to lie so much about myself and us. It made me sick. Sometimes, I wonder if you’ll ever be out. I’m not pressuring you or anything because I know it’s a very difficult and personal decision. But, if we are to grow into our true selves, we seriously need to give each other space. Or we’ll be locked in this unhealthy relationship based on lies and secrecy. And pain. I don’t want that. Do you understand?”

Trinity held her breath for Valerie’s response. She saw her ex-girlfriend’s lips quiver. Wait. Were those tears lining the bottom of her eyes? Shit. She reached for her hands, but Valerie stood up from her chair. It screeched as it scraped the ground.

“No, don’t even try. I never want to talk to your self-righteous ass ever again. How could you let those words come out of your mouth? You didn’t even ask to find out that I felt so horrible about that night too. And that I wanted to do something about it. To make things right.”

“Wait. I’m so sorry if what I said came out the wrong way. And I’m sorry—”

“NO! No no no no. Stop with the apologizing. Be my girlfriend for once, and not my freaking therapist!”

Everyone in the café turned their eyes on them. Trinity felt the blood and heat rush to her face. Before she could get over her embarrassment, Valerie was gone. She exhaled all the breath her lungs could expunge and leaned back into her chair. So, were they broken up or not? First, she says she never wants to talk to me again, and next says that I’m supposed to be her girlfriend. Which is it? Trinity rubbed her eyes with her forefingers. Had she trapped herself in some never ending circle? She hadn’t the heart to ignore Valerie if she happened to call again, or maybe she finally should. But how?

She checked her watch. The search for answers would have to come up another time. She had a meeting with a big potential client that she could not be late for. And getting there required taking the dreaded Green line. Mentally spent, Trinity gathered her satchel and blazer and walked out the café for the subway.

To be continued…

Adolescence 2.0 © 2013 C.S. Severe All Rights Reserved.